I thought a lot about the statement "Misery loves company" while I was battling infertility. Everything in me would never wish the journey of not being able to get pregnant on anyone - but somehow, at the same time and deep down, I did want that. How awful am I? I would just cringe and scoff (and cry) whenever someone posted about an "accidental" pregnancy, or feel so much anger when people got pregnant just by blinking their eyes.
Guys, trials bring out all that ugly crap that's hiding deep beneath the part of you that thinks you've got it all together. And when it surfaces, its really embarrassing. Especially because when all that surfaced for me, I was shocked at how awful I felt for thinking the way I did; my pain had taken completely over any logical part of my brain and just sat in judgment about how Sam and I deserved to be pregnant more than so and so.
I think the reason misery loves company is because misery feels so lonely. Misery wants company to sit with it, understand it, relate to it.
It's only when I began to examine my heart that I started to understand this deep truth. How could we go through some of the most awful, horrific trials and sometimes come to sneer at those who seemingly live such a happy life? I'm sure many people have thought mine and Sam's lives were totally perfect; in fact, I've even had friends tell me they used to think that until I opened up about our infertility journey.
It's so hard to accept that the hand every person is dealt varies extremely from the next person. Just because someone didn't struggle to become pregnant (or stay pregnant), doesn't mean they don't struggle financially or have trouble keeping a job or is killing themselves working 2 jobs as a single mom. Sometimes it does seem that a mountain of tragedy seems to fall on one person while others seem to skate leisurely through life with ten thousand lucky rabbit foots tied around their neck. That's not for us to judge. Life doesn't just dish out tragedy equally amongst us -- little bit of miscarriage over here, little bit of lose-your-job over there... and we have to learn to accept what our journey is and strive to find the joy along the way. I am so guilty of trying to rush through a season to get to the next one -- comparison is my biggest struggle! And as a mother, the comparison factor is off the charts. Milestones. Crankiness. Sleep schedules. Food habits. Sometimes I drive myself mad with how much I want people to just be miserable alongside me.
I hope you've read this and will extend grace to me as I expose and share the parts of my heart that I'm not proud of -- the struggles that I fight daily. Writing is an outlet for me, and when I hear from you guys (in the comments below, in a text, on a phone call, in person)... it reminds me that my transparency always has a purpose and I thank God for that. I plan to pray over each blog just before I post it so the Lord will guide it to whomever needs it most.
Misery loves company - but it just doesn't want to be alone and so I seek to remind others of how far from alone they are. Since my goal is to continue to examine my heart, here is my prayer: "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." - Psalm 51:10
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this below! Do you agree, disagree?